Oh, my aching nipples - on grating teeth and gratitude

The term eruption is a good one to describe teeth coming in. Especially the molars of a toddler - he's erupting all over the place. When we were at the dentist last week, she commented that he had one just peeking through the gum and another one working on it, so we might be in for a bad week. I smugly thought, 'ha! my kids don't complain - the first I noticed Isabelle's tooth was when it bit into my finger!" I should know better than to be smug about anything by now, but I'm not.

Tom has been nursing and asking to nurse constantly since yesterday - it's like having a newborn all over again. Oh, except that newborns don't have front teeth... And they don't want to watch "Max & Ruby" while they nurse - well, maybe they do, but they get CBC Newsworld instead. And they certainly don't try to walk around while nursing...Oy, my nipples! the amber teething necklace is out again - and seemed to help a bit - but all he wants is na-nas really.

On the positive side, newborns can't tell you where it hurts... Tom can and does "My mowf hoits hee-ah"(translation: My mouth hurts here) as he points very precisely to the red bulging gum. None of the worry about mystery suffering that plagues the early weeks of mothering. There's also none of the switching sides doubt that also plagued my early weeks - the books suggest "when they are done", but what on earth does that mean??? Are they done? What if they fall asleep? What if the breast still doesn't feel "empty"? What if they are in marathon nurse and both feel empty? Oh, no, none of that with the nursing toddler - he'll tell me he wants the 'big one' and switch sides himself when it's 'that na-na is all done'.

A newborn does have the advantage of looking remarkably appealing in the "drunk with milk" coma - we used to sit up and revel in Isabelle lying between us, with a pool of milk around her mouth, as sedated as if we'd shot her up with valium (ok, maybe not quite). A toddler generally doesn't allow for any such waste of his precious milk... and Tom's particularly irritating habit of guarding/prepping the opposite side is one that I haven't yet been able to break. But, there's possibly nothing more heart-melting to a mother than the gentle pat of his little hand as he nurses his pain away - or the sweetness in his wide eyes as he nods a yes when asked "Good milk?".

There are times when nursing a toddler seems nuts - inconvenient, time-consuming and hardly worth the rolling eyes and ever-higher rising eyebrows (yes, I do see them though I'm now a master ignoring them). You'd think that at the end of a day like today, weaning would seem an appealing option.

But that I can still give him this familiar comfort on this ouchy, grumpy, all out of sorts day is a gift to him and to myself. It's a gift that mothers who wean 'when they get teeth', 'when they can ask for it' or 'when they're 3months/6 months/a year' don't ever get the chance to receive. It's a gift that he can tell me know with words that my milk is good, sweet and "wah-umm" (warm) in his belly. It's a gift that he has learned patience to wait and compassion not to hurt even though it feels good to him - and that I have learned patience to give when I could withhold and compassion to give though it does hurt. I am grateful today above other days for my curly-headed, foot stamping, loud talking acrobatic nursling... and I know he is grateful for me.

Mothering the mama

The arrival of a new baby, whether it is the first or fifth, marks an enormous transition in the family unit, but also in each individual’s life. Mom has gone through a major physical event and baby is learning about a whole new reality! The best advice is for everyone to keep in mind how enormous this transition really is and go easy on themselves and each other in the early weeks.

Making things easy is good theme to keep in mind when preparing for the birth. Mom should have nothing to worry about but her new baby and her own recovery – this is very important in establishing a healthy breastfeeding relationship and everything else should remain secondary. See this as a very brief period in a life-long investment for good health. Investing in a comfortable baby carrier will let Mom have her hands-free while baby remains secure – helping to offset the sometimes overwhelming constant needs of a newborn.

To help the rest of the family cope, frozen meals and take-out are a good start. A “casserole” shower before baby is born is a great idea.

Ensuring that older siblings feel included in the new arrival is very important to minimizing the inevitable resentment. Toy slings make a wonderful gift, making older siblings feel included while modeling the importance of baby’s closeness to Mom.

Outside help, whether in the form of relatives or paid help, can be a boon or a curse. Anyone coming to help needs to remember that they are there for Mom and Dad – not to swoon over the new arrival (hard as that is!). Mom may be feeling insecure and overwhelmed – too many suggestions about baby care may feel undermining. Even more dangerously, offering to feed baby just a bottle of formula while she sleeps sounds helpful, but in the long-run, it may damage her ability to breast-feed. Do laundry, cook meals, tidy up and play with kids, but leave the mothering of baby to Mom.

If hiring outside help such a doula, be sure to get references and interview well ahead of baby’s arrival, so that expectations are perfectly clear. Doulas can be found through their professional association, www.dona.org.

And baby makes four...

With Thomas' recent birthday, I've been reflecting a bit on the transition to little ones and looking back on it with a bit more space (and sanity).

Older siblings will often regress in their behavior, wanting to nurse or drink from a bottle if they had previously given it up or being less reliable in their potty training. In addition, older siblings will often become clingier, to one or both parents or even adopt a transitional object, like a blanket or stuffed toy, when they had never shown interest before. Isabelle definitely did all of these - adopting "Bear" as her nighttime companion.

Parents can make the transition more difficult on everyone when they do not recognize what an enormous change the older child has undergone. Understanding and compassion, along with time, will restore household peace and help forge the lifetime bond that siblings will share.

A tried-and-true tip is to have an extra-special gift for the older sibling that the new baby “brought” for them. Make believe play is very powerful to young children: older siblings should have their own “baby” and gear to mimic mom and dad. This “baby” also gives them an outlet to play out their frustrations safely. Finally, everyone will benefit if mom has a good comfortable baby carrier so that she can meet baby’s need for closeness while having her hands-free for play. There are even great matching slings for both mom and siblings. These make a wonderful shower gift - older siblings will be very proud.

In human development, there are no absolutes and very little is inevitable: parents can expect their children to react to the addition of a new sibling as they would to any major event. A happy, go-lucky kid is likely to adjust pretty quickly, irrespective of their age or gender. Conversely, a child who is resistant to changes in routine or highly sensitive to noise is likely to have more difficulty. Go easy on yourselves and each other – it’s a joyful journey once all your little travelers get along.

Weirdest Advice - No deodorant

Babies bond through smell, so mom should avoid scented products and deodorant in the newborn period so as not to interfere.

Unlike some of the other weird advice, this is one that sounds weird and crazy, but it's actually good advice. Baby's sensory systems are brand new and adapting to a whole avalanche of new stimuli. Researchers have shown what mama knows instinctively - babies are soothed by the mere presence of her scent. And animal studies suggest that that repeated exposure is critical to bonding and brain development.

As usual, Mother Nature has helped us along in this regard: in the post-partum period, it's not uncommon for mothers to have a heightened sense of smell. I recall cursing my husband in the early weeks after my daughter was born because he would spray his cologne in the bedroom before he left - I could smell it for hours (and not in a good way).

Scented products are also likely to be hard on post-partum and newborn skin. Your bottom may feel like it needs to be refreshed, but whether you had a vaginal birth or a c-section, the, um, exit point is likely to be irritated by scented soaps and creams. And given the degree of medical intervention accompanying most births (including lots of antibiotics), a yeast infection will not need much encouragement.

Scented soaps on the breasts and nipples can make sore nipples worse by encouraging irritation. Use nothing but water on the your breasts - a little breastmilk at the end of a feeding and air drying can help with mild soreness.

With respect to deodorant/antipersperants in particular, infants are eating pretty close to the application point. And if you've read the labels on these products, they're not something you want your newborn baby licking.

Finally, a very good side effect is that without lotions and potions to hide behind, mama will be more motivated to get herself in the shower everyday. And a daily shower is reason enough to make this weird advice very smart indeed.